Those 4 years were the toughest of my life. I spent a lot of time with the councilors, in my last year of school it had gotten to about once a day. My grades were heading down hill fast, and I started to loose interest in things that normal interested me. I started my 4 years playing on the High School Vollyball Team and Singing in the choir. I loved them both. I ended the 4 years still being in choir but really not caring about it at all. Vollyball lasted for one year, and I left the team partly because the girls on the team didn't really like me and partly because I was more interested in the drugs and alcohol that were becoming more and more important in my life.
I did have a few crushes on some good boys. The kind of guys who were brainy and were going had a wonderful personality. Guys who I came to start liking because of being friends first and wishing that they would show some interest. But I didn't fool myself. I told one of my oldest friends a few years ago about one, and when she asked why I didn't try, I told her that guys like that didn't date girls like me. And it was true. They didn't go for girls who were lost in drugs and lifesyles that were risky for them in achieving their goals. If I have any regrets, that would be one of the big ones. Maybe if I would have tried to clean myself up then, I would have not gone through so much. But I was so depressed all the time, and so dark at heart. But you can't look back like that to go forward.
I ended High School early, I "graduated" a month early with enough credits. I left school with every intention of going to Beauty School . I had even gotten a scolarship. So I enrolled. But my lifestyle didn't really change. I was still smoking pot and starting to drink again.
I met a guy about that time that I started dating. A month and a half later, I found out I was pregnant with his child. Some how stopping the drugs and drinking right there was the easiest decision I had ever made. I started changing my life around, not for myself, but for my child. I wanted to be a good mother and I knew that this was a sign from God to take a different path. If it weren't for my oldest son, I don't know where I would be today.
I had wanted a child since I was about 13 years old or so. I thought that if no one else did, my child would love me. My mother was not happy with me then when I announced that I wanted one, and she was even more upset when I did get pregnant. But I was already set that I was going to have this baby. Some people tried to get me to give him up, saying that it would be better for both of us. I was not about to give him up, he was a gift that not only brought (and still does) bring me joy, but also has saved me from the horrible things I was doing to myself.
The suicidal thoughts were easier to control now. I had a child to live for. Even in the times when I thought he would be better off, the fear of others telling him about me and what they might say, made me keep going.
His father and I didn't last. He was still doing things that were wrong and he wasn't ready to really be a father. I left him and and was soon with a new man, who became my husband.
When my oldest was only 8 months old, I found myself pregnant again. This time I was living with my husband to be and we had announced our engagement only 2 weeks before we found out.
As time went on it was harder and harder for me to hold a job. I would get paranoid and afraid of my co-workers. I didn't like getting into trouble and would leave a job, just knowing that I was about to get written up. I lost a good management possition because I couldn't balance the stress of working and comming home to take care of my children and I was fired from a banking possition because I was too friendly ( whatever that means but I am sure it was a personality thing) It was very hard to get by.
As time went on, our relationship got worse. My husband and I had horrible fights that only got physical because I initiated it. He never hit me, but I have tackled and thown him. My temper would flare out of control over little things. I raged almost on a weekly basis.
I didn't get violent with the children like I did with my husband, but I was constantly yelling and always spanking. Many times i felt guilty after I called and asked myself what the big deal was.
When to news that a family member was diagnosed with BP and then our family history came out into the open, I didn't think I was BP but definitely depressive. I went to a doctor who treated my depression.
I had a third son when my oldest was 6years old. The pregnancy was very difficult, and I was very sick all the time. I couldn't even take my anti-depressants because they would just come back up. I raged near the end of my pregnancy on my oldest son because he swore at me, and in the process of trying to catch him to spank him, I started going into labor. I went to the hospital and they stopped it ( I was a month early). I carried painfully for the next month until my delivery. When my thrird son was born, I was happy and felt fine. But soon I started sinking back down and even went further than I was before. I went back on my medication when he was about 4 months old.
It was when the children stopped being a reason for me to live and I even started thinking that I could take them with me, that I was so scared of myself that I went to a Psyciatrist. She diagnosed me with BP and I have been working hard to get better. I can't remember the last time I thought about suicide that it wasn't a fleeting thought. And I don't rage anymore, and my long fuse is back, but sometimes I still loose my temper worse than I would like to. It's an on going process.
I have found a lot of hobbies and outlets that I enjoy over the years. I crochette, do needework, paint, and I create signature tags for e-mail. I have joined a lot of groups on Yahoo. Most of them are Incredimail groups where they exchange stationary and animations/jpgs/signature tags. But I also have found great support in my on-line message group for parents of Bipolar children. I have a link to them on my links page. If you are the parent of a BP child, you will find this group very supportive. We exchange information, ideas, even recepies. by joining this group or similar ones you will relaize that you are not alone, and that is one of the most important things that Bipolars and their families need to know. This illness can make you feel so alone. And you don't need to feel that way.
Here we come to the reason for this site. To let you know that you are not alone. As a parent and a bipolar, I know that there is hope and there is comfort in talking to others in our situation. Support can be one of the most incredible tools. Just getting things out can make you feel better, just like it can for "normal" people. There are tools at your disposal, use them. And get yourself feeling good again!
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